My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie
This fanfic is a masterpiece. It's one of the worst things that I've ever read, but it's so bad it's good. The characters all have no personality. Most of the time they just gave me a headache. Ebony or Enoby is a Mary Sue in the perfect sense of the word.
I've learned a lot from My Immortal like how to be goffic, what goffic and Satanists listen to, that it's OK to shoot people if you have a headache, that goffs think bis are hot, Goffic girls don't die their hair (either their hair is dead or they use spray paint), no one dies ever (either it's cause your from another time period or your a vampire), you could be the dullest person on Earth but everyone wants you, almost all male teachers at Hogwarts are pervs, Voldemort carries a gun, cocks are actually all glocks (which is dangerous if you ask me), and the most important thing I learned is Goffic fashion. This book will probably cause you to lose serious brain cells and shouldn't be read unless you are prepared for such loss.
My personal favorite quotes from My Immortal:
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
"He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko." (Ebony taught us some Biology, which makes sense because she takes Advanced Biology.)
"Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)."
I love when Tara decides to put in her two cents during random parts, they are usually funnier than the story itself.
"It was…… Voldemort!
“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.
“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped."
“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”
Then Draco came back to life in the next chapter. He never even stayed dead.
"Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks."
"It was.,……………………….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!"
I think I like Death Dealers better than Death Eaters. It makes me think that instead of sucking out my soul they'll just try to make someone OD.
"Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1"
“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge."
“Eboby…..Ebony…….” Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!”
"We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it."
“OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” he esked in his sexah voice.
“Um I guezz sand????” I laid confuesdly.
“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” He triumphently giggled.Voldemort giggled y'all!
Now hence forth and rot your own brain cells, because I need to regain mine.