A Vulnerable Post

 

Here's a post I've been sharing  on social media today:

When you start living for Jesus you stop living for yourself. The Holy Spirit can lead you to many places. Some unexpected, some that you know down in your bones would always happen (especially if you listen to the whispers of His promises), or sometimes you find yourself in a place with a different outcome then you expected. Living for Jesus means laying yourself aside and following His spirit. It means going to a hospital when you haven’t set foot in one since your grandfather died in high school on the day before his birthday. It’s setting foot in the place the enemy wanted you to flee from because your flesh was so crippled and scared. It’s the smell of pain and the crippling sensation of God’s mercy and the gift He has given you as sit with family recovering. It’s stepping out of faith into a hallway and not knowing why in the first place. It’s walking up to strangers who have a relative on the cusp of entering new life and leaving the decay of our planet. It’s praying for strangers and hugging them in the middle of the place you hate the most because God’s spirit and His love is bigger than your fear. It’s allowing yourself to feel those people’s emotions and know that the hardest prayer you have ever prayed for others was spoken that day. It’s that day when you go home and cry thanksgiving to the Lord for being used in such a way and it’s Him whispering to you how proud He is because you loved and cared for people the way you had desired to always be prayed for when your grandfather was dying in the hospital and it felt like everyone cared about gossip and drama instead of healing and recovery. It’s letting God heal those wounds and accepting Jesus despite the fear. Yesterday I was changed and I never expected the wind or His spirit to take me there.

Today is a hard day for me since it's my grandfather's birthday, but still I am filled with joy. Joy at knowing my grandfather is in Heaven and is worshiping God. I like to imagine him as he was when I was little and he was healthy, but looked kind of old. That's how I like to of him raising his hands and his voice to Jesus. Yesterday was hard because I visited my uncle-his brother- in the hospital. He was recovering from a surgery that my grandfather hadn't recovered from and it hurt. This story that I shared above happened. It was unexpected. The lady beside my uncle's room was dying and my mother and I stepped out for a minute and my mother went and hugged the two family who left the room next door. I felt like I couldn't stand there and I'm glad I didn't because I went and hugged those people like my mother so bravely did and then I prayed for the family. I prayed over this woman's two sisters-one a twin sister- and my heart felt so much. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in a place that I didn't want to be in, but God can use you for His kingdom even through fear and trepidation.